Cute Clean Single Malt Scotch Jokes

[Quaich1]

I heard this cute joke at a tasting. I'm sure there are many more of these clean good humor ones:

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my Grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

" Lagavoollin........."

Another one floating on the internet:

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of single malt scotch and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whisky. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded...

"Drink whisky and you won't get worms!"




_________________
"Always carry a large flagon of whisky in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."
W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

[jcarrick]

very good

[Grant M]

A bit of Irish humour.

Paddy had been drinking whiskey at his local pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore whiskey tonight, Paddy".
Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then".

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. He pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"By Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No damn way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed".
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He pulls himself up and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[Genuine Risk]

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks about 2″ in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.Visual
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed as the professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now,"? said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things " your family, your partner, your health, your children " things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."?
There was total silence as the students absorbed the lesson.
"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."?
The students started nodding in agreement at the professor's profound wisdom.
"Take care of the rocks first,"? the professor finished " "the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."?
But then:
A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a bottle of whisky. Of course the whisky filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is:
That no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a whisky or two.

[Alastair]

A chat between 2 whisky drinking friends. What would you rather be without ?

Question
- What would you rather be without if you should have to choose ? Whisky or a woman?

Answer
- It all depends on the age and vintage

[Quaich1]

Two cannibals eating a clown and having a wee dram of economy single malt. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"


_________________
"Always carry a large flagon of whisky in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."
W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

[Quaich1]

Here's another.

A bloke comes out the pub after 2 Lag 16's, an Octomore (hold the water) and an
Ardbeg 27(saving up for that one all week) and decides to take the bus home but wants to at least check that his car is ok parked where it is. When he got home, he said to his wife, "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice".


_________________
"Always carry a large flagon of whisky in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."
W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

[Quaich1]

Couldn't resist giving you this one:

A man bumped into his doctor at the local pub. As it turned out, they were both having Laphroaig Quarter Cask. The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time." The man replied "I know, I've been ill"


_________________
"Always carry a large flagon of whisky in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."
W.C. Fields (1880-1946)